This is another in the continuing series of randomly checking Canada Newswire to comment on writing and style. There were many instructive lessons in the copy below.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF CANADA NEWSWIRE—Oct. 31

Attention Business Editors:
James Goodfellow joins the Board of Directors of Discovery Air

Original version:

LONDON, ON, Oct. 31 /CNW/ – Gil Bennett, the Chairman of the Board of Discovery Air Inc. (TSX A.A), is pleased to announce that Mr. James Goodfellow  has joined the Board of Directors of Discovery Air.

PR Writer Improvements:

James Goodfellow, former Deloitte & Touche LLP Vice-Chairman, has joined the Discovery Air Inc. Board, said Gil Bennett, Chairman.

Reasons:

1. “In general, do not use the courtesy titles Mr. Mrs., Miss or Ms.” CP Stylebook, p. 318.
2. Who is the story about? A distinguished person joining the Board or the Chairman? Best to announce the news, and then say who is announcing which is at best insignificant or secondary.
3. Mentioning James Goodfellow without any title or attribution renders the story next to worthless—who is he after all?  He is the former Vice-Chair of Deloitte, the major accounting firm, so say it.
4. The Board of Directors of Discovery Air is unwieldy; two ‘ofs’ in one sentence are a sign that editing is required, hence: The Discovery Air Board of Directors.

So simple, all that in one sentence?

Next paragraph, original version:

Goodfellow became a Fellow of the Ontario Institute of Chartered Accountants in 1986 for distinguished service to the profession. He has over 40 years experience in public accounting and providing assurance and advisory services, primarily to large public companies.

PR Writer improvements:

Goodfellow, a Fellow of the Ontario Institute of Chartered Accountants since 1986, has more than 40 years distinguished service to the profession, providing assurance and advisory services, primarily to large public companies. He retired from Deloitte & Touche in 2008, and also served on the firm’s board.
Reasons:

1. Just a handy little rewrite. It brought two sentences together.
2. Got rid of the ‘became’ and moved distinguished service in place of experience.
3. Moved the retirement statement to here and combined it with his service to the board.

Original version:

“I am delighted that Jim has joined the Board of Discovery Air. His substantial experience with issues of corporate governance and financial reporting will be a great benefit to the Corporation. ” said Mr. Bennett.

PR Writer improvements:

“Jim’s substantial experience with issues of corporate governance and financial reporting will be a great benefit to the Corporation,” said Bennett. “We welcome him to the Board.”

Reasons:

1. Commas follow quotes, not periods.
2. “I am delighted that” and similar phrases sure better be the truth; otherwise, why do a news release?
3. We’ve already introduced the idea of the Board so why repeat it. His benefit as written is to the corporation not just the Board.
4. Better to say he is welcomed to the Board, rather than simply delighted to have him. Not so crazy about either version.

Can’t resist the following!

Original:
Fire Prevention Canada – Time change – Check your smoke detector
MONTREAL, Oct. 31 /CNW Telbec/ – Fire Prevention Canada reminds you when resetting those clocks back one hour this weekend to also check the batteries in your smoke detectors. The sad reality is that on average, fire kills eight Canadians every week. Residential property fires account for 40% of all fires and a staggering 73% of all fire deaths. Most of these deaths are caused by
human carelessness and so are completely avoidable.

PR Writer improvements:

MONTREAL, Oct. 31 /CNW Telbec/ – When resetting clocks back one hour this weekend, Fire Prevention Canada suggests checking batteries in smoke detectors.

Fire sadly kills an average of eight Canadians every week. Residential property accounts for 40% of all fires and a staggering 73% of all fire deaths. Human carelessness causes virtually all the deaths; they are completely avoidable.

1. 54 vs. 67 words.
2. Don’t use ‘you’ in formal news writing.
3. Starting with when resetting clocks taps into the news event: reversion to standard time. The most important thing is not Fire Prevention Canada reminding you—that’s only the attribution.
4. “The sad reality is that” is another one of those phrases like “I think that” or a variety of others beginning with that. It can easily be replaced by converting “sad” to “sadly” and having it modify “fire.”
5. On average is clearly unnecessary.
6. A great deal of ‘fire’ repetition in the sentence beginning with “Residential property.”
7. We removed the passive voice in the last sentence.

Can we do this for you? As Obama says, Yes, we can!

Tags: Editing, Public Relations, Writing