Calling out XM Canada, an old client at the Wilcox Group and something I subscribe to, for bad writing is painful but this is too good (bad) to pass up. I am indebted to my Humber College class for pointing it out—the individual herself will remain nameless to protect her later job prospects but thanks just the same. We review good and bad writing as a way of trying to articulate how it works or not. It was very clear to her that this did not adhere to what we learn as best practices. Here’s the story:

XM Canada Kicks Off Search for The Ultimate Soccer Party Guest with Online Video Challenge

Best Seats in the House Up for Grabs for 2010 FIFA World Cup Final Game at Wayne Gretzky’s Restaurant in Toronto

TORONTO, June 25 /CNW/ – There is no bigger event in sports than the FIFA World Cup(TM) and no better destination for sports fans than XM Canada(TM), the country’s leading audio entertainment company. In celebration of its in-depth sports coverage, from MLB(R) and The PGA TOUR(R) to the final 10 playoff matches of the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa, XM today kicked-off The Ultimate Soccer Party Guest Challenge in search of the best party guest in Canada. The lucky winner will celebrate the 2010 FIFA World Cup Final in front-row style with 24 friends at Wayne Gretzky’s Restaurant in Toronto on July 11th.

Note how many questions this writing raises:

1. There is no bigger event in sports than the FIFA World Cup(TM) Is that news? While it’s true now is it intrinsically reality at all times? Why begin with it; is it something editors need to be informed about while it’s happening? Why the TM? Not necessary in a news release, which isn’t advertising or marketing copy and never ever used in media. Just annoys editors who have to take it out.
2. And no better destination for sports fans (TM) than XM Canada, the country’s leading audio entertainment company. Another useless TM with more wasted commercial message.Where’s the news? Aren’t news releases supposed to start with the story? Are we reading an ad here?
3. In celebration of its in-depth sports coverage, from MLB(R) and The PGA TOUR(R) to the final 10 playoff matches of the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa…Still wondering what the story is and why we need to know about and celebrate MLB and PGA (in unnecessary caps, no less, and the two R marks, ever seen those in the news)? This is not inverted pyramid style, following news values, it’s the pyramid right side up.
4. XM today kicked-off The Ultimate Soccer Party Guest Challenge in search of the best party guest in Canada. The lucky winner will celebrate the 2010 FIFA World Cup Final in front-row style with 24 friends at Wayne Gretzky’s Restaurant Finally…some news! In the fifth line of the story. Not the biggest story in the world but certainly more useful to editors than ‘celebrating in-depth sports coverage.’

After considering writing various company leaders about this release, the class urged me contact the author directly to avoid creating difficulty for her and we said:

“Today in our PR writing class at Humber College, we were looking at examples of different types of PR writing and we came across your release for XM Canada and the best party guest competition. 

We were puzzled by your lead and second paragraph; it struck us that it buried the news and we were also wondering about the usage of TM in a news release when it is never published in media. 

Also the sentences appear to be lengthy as well as there were many company acronyms mentioned. 

Could you tell us for PR educational purposes what was your thought processes concerning this news release? Is there a specific format to be followed? What is the rationale for this style?”

She responded promptly with a certain candour:

“Thanks for your note.  I agree with your points about what typically are good approaches for releases. As I am sure you can understand, unfortunately, we can’t give you and your class much more context on how this specific release was developed due to standard confidentiality about client projects and processes.

I’d be more than happy to share our general point-of-view of writing for the media and social media.”

We will be inviting her soon….

Tags: Blogs, Editing, good writing, News Releases, Public Relations, social media, Twitter, Writing

The Wilcox Group’s closing hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I had put my heart into the place, as VP–Investor Communications on such accounts as Kinross Gold and daring entrepreneur John Bitove’s the XM Radio IPO and his other companies Priszm Income Fund (KFC, Taco Bell) and Scott’s REIT. Mat Wilcox, founder and CEO, is one of the greatest talents in the PR business. If she had been in New York instead of Vancouver, she would have had 400 people in her employ instead of the 30 or so there were at WG’s peak, when there were offices in BC and Toronto.

Wilcox was Mat and Mat was Wilcox. The firm was inseparable from her shadow; there was a heavy component of micromanagement, which kept some clients happy and often alienated and disturbed professionals who believed they should be accorded more space and intellectual liberty. It was her firm though and she built it from the ground up. Who am I to say how she should run it? (Although I did, mistakenly).

Mat had had some serious health problems, well documented in a highly revealing account when she was named one of the  country’s 100 most influential women. It broke her heart to close the Toronto office, which she dutifully visited every other week, flying cross country, a daunting schedule for anyone, especially a person who arose at 4 am almost daily–even after her dual cancer treatments.

One of the most telling comments in Wilcox’s valedictory was her thoughts about social media. Expressing her unbridled enthusiasm for the communications revolution of our time, she also noted that “the financial model” for it does not exist–meaning the energy and time required to develop an online brand, either personally or in a corporate sense has not found its proper financial reward.

It’s always sad when an organization one has known and loved is no more. LA PR guru Martin Cooper expressed this well when Harshe-Rotman & Druck, Inc collapsed in the arms of Ruder Finn. Mat Wilcox was one of a kind and so was her firm, with its crisis communications “War Room,” total devotion to clients, brutal honesty — even about Matt’s illness. Although Mat herself will carry on, a plus for the PR world, the firm is gone, and that is a definite minus.

Tags: Blogs, Editing, good writing, Public Relations, social media

by Richard Rotman

Professor of PR, Humber College and PR Writer Extraordinaire

Here’s some ways I’ve used my iPad in its first week…

Walked into the Dean’s office at the college where I teach, and dazzled him with simply having an iPad a day or so after launch and he also appreciated its many fantastic features. Also showed the all-female media faculty the machine, with one person saying, “I didn’t think I’d get to see one for several weeks.” Another faculty member already had one from a U.S. purchase.

Sat on my front porch on a nice warm summery night, answering emails with my new case, which came separately, securing the pad. The case is useful; makes it a bit heavier but the feature by which it’s propped up makes it easier to type and to use as pad for notes when giving a talk. It came separately and when Sheldon, the FedEx guy delivered it, he asked what it was, as each iPad owner received a second shipment. I told him and then asked, “Did anyone show it to you?” and then told him to sit down on a chair next to me and showed him what magic he’d been delivering.

I am definitely in the habit of reading the media in the morning at breakfast with the iPad. I haven’t missed my daily newspaper delivery and in fact now believe the iPad is more convenient than a big broadsheet. I’ve read it on the subway, on a bus and well…in the bathroom.

Today, I had to deliver a talk to a small group of people and it wasn’t feasible to use a projector. I outlined my talk in Word, emailed to myself, then opened it in Pages—a great App, all for $9.99. It was a great way to have a prompter, as I flipped up the pages with my fingers and kept talking. I also looked quite au courant to media studies teachers.

Starting to replace some Blackberry usages with it, too. Calendar for sure. A calorie counter to watch my weight. Blackberry mail is great and convenient but do I need it? My kids and a close friend use Blackberry Messenger. But I could do without it. Thinking of cutting off those usages with Blackberry as much as I love them. Saved on newspaper purchases and on telecom too?

So after one week, what do I think of it? I agree with Walt Mossberg even more. It could “profoundly” change personal computing. Its size is very convenient and it’s so much better to use in a meeting than a laptop—and for sitting on a porch using WiFi, it’s not only less obtrusive but also more convenient. The main reason for which I purchased it—media and books—will come to pass. I like it. I wonder what the next improved versions will be like?

Tags: Editing, good writing, iPad, Public Relations, social media, Twitter

by Richard Rotman

Professor of Public Relations, Humber College

PR Writer Extraordinaire

Part I

It arrived from China as scheduled but not on time. I had been tracking its journey from Shenzen to Anchorage, Alaska. It then flew to the FedEx hub in Memphis and on to Mississagua, ON, where it arrived at my home office at 2:00 pm. Sheldon, the FedEx delivery guy, said his station delivered 500 iPads and that he personally was responsible for 30.  Sheldon added that often no one is home when he must obtain signatures. I asked if he knew what he was delivering and he said, “Yes, I do and everyone is home today.” Immediately sent my kids a photo of it out of the box.

Is it the future of computing?

As was once said about Bruce Springsteen and the future of rock ‘n’ roll, I have seen the dawn of something new in computing and it’s called iPad. I agree with The Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg that the touch entry could take over the mouse, which has dominated computing since the Mac’s intro in 1984.

Why do I have one? Because I had the very first Mac the first week it came out and two Apple Newtons, the first ever PDA? Partially but I believe that this venture will ultimately mean more.

I spent much of the first and second days exploring and opening my eyes to how it works.

General observations:

1. It is as good as the hype: seeing the high-resolution photos and fast processor at work is remarkable.
2. Some things are so amazing they are freakish: turning the pages in the Apple library and seeing how they wrinkle and can be partially turned is almost too dazzling. It comes with a copy of Winnie the Pooh, one of my old favorites; it almost makes me want to read it again.
3. The Kindle app from Amazon simply moves the pages forward with a finger. I downloaded a chapter from Tom Rachman’s The Imperfectionists, a journalism novel, and read it in bed at night. I wanted to read the third book in the Dragon Tattoo series but Amazon said it wasn’t available in Canada. Boo!

Apart from participating in the technology, my main purpose in getting an iPad was two-fold: read media online and eliminate paper; read books and reduce paper. On both those counts, it does appear to work as promised. As I cancelled my newspaper subscriptions, this is important.

App review:

• New York Times: great but not enough stories; still need the online version. No doubt I will be paying for the iPad version soon.
• Globe and Mail: Haven’t worked out the paid app but the one for Blackberry/iPhone is a masterpiece and it works on the iPad.
• Guardian Eyewitness (all photos) and BBC, both wonderful.
• Best app so far: Instapaper: This killer app repurposes web articles by eliminating ads, graphics and links and then turning the entire article into a news story with a headline and saving it for later reference.

Part II: people’s reactions, Apple’s Pages and Notepad.

Tags: Blogs, Editing, good writing, iPad, Public Relations, social media, Writing

iPads went on sale early this morning at big box electronics retailers but the real early adopters–those who put their order in on May 10 for the presale–have not received them from FedEx in most cases. FedEx says it might be into the evening even though all week long the delivery has been promised for before noon on Friday. In fact, the FedEx CSR said she could not guarantee any time at all because the delivery was now an ‘exceptionality.’ Apple demands that each package have a signature won’t release them without one’s John Hancock. You can’t leave your premises; waiting and waiting. No iPad. Jon Steward was right: sometimes Apple has become ‘the Man.’ Chaos out there, even people camping out overnight at the retailers. I want my iPad!

Tags: Editing, good writing, iPad, Public Relations, social media, Writing

“The buck stops here!”

President Harry S. Truman, quoted in Plain Speaking

My students recently had to review this sample paragraph:

“Your enquiry about the use of the entrance area at the Library for the purpose of displaying posters and leaflets about Welfare and Supplementary Benefit rights, gives rise to the question of the provenance and authoritativeness of the material to be displayed. Posters and leaflets issued by The Central Office of Information, The Department of Health and Social Security and other authoritative bodies are usually displayed in Libraries, but items of a disputatious or polemic kind, whilst not necessarily excluded, are considered individually.”

What is it about written language that calls forth paragraphs like this—when there is simple language like Truman’s? *(See below for important explanation)

Why do even writing students (present company excluded) not realize important basics about good clean writing?

In other writing classes at the University of GuelphHumber in Toronto, I stress the Big Five writing tips and they were also posted in this course. I truly believe that if you look at your own copy, and eliminate these words, you will improve it overnight – and they are applicable to this activity.  Some are quite time-honoured but nevertheless often ignored.

1. Get rid of “of” in your copy. In English, unlike the Romance languages, we have the apostrophe that even Shakespeare favoured: Love’s Labour Lost. In Spanish or French that would be The Labour of Love is Lost, not an especially good title. If you find an “of,” ask yourself whether it can be replaced by an apostrophe. It almost always can. There are six examples of this in the above paragraph and not one apostrophe.

1. Avoid the passive voice. It’s the oldest writing chestnut in the world. From Hemingway to E.B. White, plain language gurus have advocated combing copy and rooting out passives. It’s so simple: just find the word “by.” The ball was thrown by John. John threw the ball.  There is one “by” in the example above. “To be displayed” is an example of a hidden passive, without the marker of the “by.”

1. “Is” can almost always be eliminated. Look at your own sentences and find all the ways you use it. John is the best person for the job and he will begin his new assignment tomorrow. Can be changed to: John, the best person for the job, will begin his new assignment tomorrow. There aren’t any direct examples of useless “copula” verbs (it’s really what they are called) that don’t exist in other languages—in Russian and Hebrew one says, “I Russian” or “I Israeli” and it’s perfectly understandable. In the paragraph, there is a ‘to be’ that could be eviscerated.

1. Eliminate “It” clauses—absent, surprisingly, in this piece. Virtually every sentence that begins with “It is clear that,” or even worse, “I think that” can also start after “that,” usually with an adverb’s addition—“clearly.”
2. Observe CP style: it’s the bible and would take care of ‘whilst.’

Something you won’t find in CP: understand the difference between Latin and Anglo-Saxon words. English has a sorry inheritance of both languages, due to the Norman Invasion in 1066. We are all familiar with those evocative four-letter words that are even called Anglo-Saxonisms. But these words also provide strong words and verbs in our language: here are a few from Fowler’s selection from the letter “D.” Some of them are only four letters, too.

(http://www.ibiblio.org/lineback/words/letter_d.htm)

dark

daughter

day

dead

death

deal

deal

deed

deep

deer

devil

dim

dish

dive

dizzy

do

door

doom

dream

dreary

drink

drink

drive

dumb

dust

Some fairly important words, wouldn’t you say? Yet a full 70% of the language derives from French and Latin. Experts like Fowler have long preferred the Anglo-Saxon, short, direct words do the heavy lifting in our language. Interestingly, according to Fowler—and important for our purposes—“With but one exception, only the active voice was used in Old English.” Hooray. Even “write” by the way is Anglo-Saxon.

That’s where people the above writer and most legal and technical writers become diverted.

I’ve boldfaced and underlined the Latinisms in the sample paragraph:

Your enquiry about the use of the entrance area at the Library for the purpose of displaying posters and leaflets about Welfare and Supplementary Benefit rights (A-S), gives rise to the question of the provenance and authoritativeness of the material to be displayed. Posters and leaflets issued by The Central Office of Information, The Department of Health and Social Security and other authoritative bodies are usually displayed in Libraries, but items of a disputatious or polemic kind (A-S), whilst not necessarily excluded, are considered individually.

Good writers need not be Old English scholars but gaining a sixth sense of what is Latinate or Anglo-Saxon helps writing become the slimmed down, concise, precise prose we seek, whether or not in this course.

One could adopt a kind of writer’s rule:

Latin words, bad; Anglo-Saxon, good.

*Note that in Harry Truman’s “The buck stops here” quote, every single word is Anglo-Saxon and the moralistic “Give ‘em Hell Harry” never swore in public, so no four letter words of that kind for him. (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/harry_s_truman.html)

What does all this add up to?

The key to plain language is simple words, plain speaking. The above is all theoretical underpinning and worthwhile to have a greater understanding of why we do the editing we do. All of you no doubt recall the adage that newspapers should be written for the grade eight audience or less. So it is with good PR copy. Simple stuff that’s not hard to understand.

If in doubt, cut it out. That’s my advice. It took several decades in PR and Journalism to understand that. The other single greatest piece of writing advice I’ve learned came from Richard Harwood, Washington Post National Editor during Watergate era. I will leave it with you to ponder. He said: “Use periods more often. They make other words fall away.”

Because I can’t resist, each sentence in the sample paragraph consumes more than 40 words. They should be less than half the length.

October 9, 2009

by Richard E. Rotman –PR Writer Extraordinaire

All one has to do to find notable examples of poor news release writing is go to Canada Newsire on any day. Organizations pay good money to release this news but they don’t bother to. Here are originals and suggested corrections: why do these organizations bother?

I. Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. Appoints President – Ms Varsha Bhat

or:

Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. Appoints Varsha Bhat President

PRW Comment:

• Don’t need the Ms.
• More active to put her name first

Released version: MONTREAL, Oct. 9 /CNW Telbec/ – Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. – a Montreal based technology firm providing document output products and solutions – continues to ‘wow’ the local community with its recent new appointment. Xpertdoc welcomes Ms Varsha Bhat as the incoming President, effective immediately.

PRW Revision: MONTREAL, Oct. 9 /CNW Telbec/ – Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. – a Montreal-based technology firm providing document output products and solutions ‘wowed’ the industry by apppointing Varsha Bhat as its President.

Comments:

• Need a hyphen between Montreal and based
• If you must use the ‘wow’ idea, who is being wowed? Why the local community—isn’t the industry more important?
• ‘Continues to’ is one of those clauses that almost always be eliminated. Previous examples of ‘wow’ can be expressed in subsequent comments.
• ‘Recent new’ appointment is redundant and unnecessary. The announcement implies ‘new.’ The only way the qualifier would be relevant and ‘effective immediately’ is if the appointment took place in the future.
• Using Mr or Ms is not CP style. If saying that Bhat is female is important, isn’t there a stronger way to underscore it, such as she is the ‘industry’s first female’ or something like that.
• In the rest of the release, the CEO is ‘proud to announce’ the appointment, while an advisory board member is also ‘pleased’ as is an investor who is quoted, repeating the word. “Ms” is also repeated four times and her first and last name is used in the last paragraph, where it should not be necessary.

All that in one release!

Ontario Long Term Care Companies Recognized Nationally for Leadership and Excellence

Original: MARKHAM, ON, Oct. 9 /CNW/ – The Ontario Long Term Care Association (OLTCA) is delighted to congratulate two of its members on being nationally recognized for the levels of excellence they have achieved in developing quality relationships and processes within their organizations.

PRW: MARKHAM, ON, Oct. 9 /CNW/ – Two Ontario Long Term Care Association (OLTCA) members have been being nationally recognized for excellence in developing quality relationships and processes within their organizations as a result of the Mediacorp Canada Inc annual competition.

OMNI Health Care Ltd. was named one of Canada’s Top 100 Employers for 2010 and in September, Diversicare Canada received the National Quality Institute’s Order of Excellence Award for continuous excellence in quality.

Comments:

• Combines two sentences into one
• Avoids passive voice
• Gets rid of the “delighted to congratulate” idea, which is not news.

Original: “We applaud the owners, management and staff at OMNI Health Care and Diversicare Canada for their leadership and commitment to excellence that resulted in this distinguished recognition,” said Christina Bisanz, OLTCA CEO. “It reflects a desire I see across our membership to be the best that they can be for the benefit of the residents they serve.”

PRW: “We applaud everyone OMNI Health Care and Diversicare Canada for leadership and commitment to excellence resulting in this distinguished recognition,” said Christina Bisanz, OLTCA CEO.  “Our members seek to be the best service providers possible for their residents.”

Comments:

• So many superfluous words. “We applaud…is delighted to congratulate.”
• “It reflects a desire I see—“ can be totally eliminated.
• “For the benefit of the residents they serve?” Or: “the best service providers for their residents.”
• This is a poor excuse for a news release anyway—no news, flabby language, no chance it would mean anything to an editor.

Just incredible–I never understand why they bother, when the writing is so substandard. Until next time…

Tags: Blogs, Editing, good writing, Public Relations, Rhetoric, tips to better writing, Writing

Whether it’s a news release, speech, blog or 140-character Twitter, PR Writer Extraordinaire delivers creative, precise copy that inspires and motivates. We bring outstanding experience across the broadest possible range of public relations services from social media to print and broadcast outlets.

Thinking about launching a social media campaign for your business?

Prepared with the assistance of Humber PR grad student Heather Smith…

As the ever changing landscape of public relations continues to evolve, social media has become a central focus. From blogs to Twitter to Facebook, social media is being used like never before. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Blogs, Facebook, social media, Twitter

Lower cost alternatives like…public relations!
“Madison Avenue is fastening its seat belt as the cascading effects of the financial crisis begin to hit the advertising economy,” wrote Stuart Elliott in the New York Times this week (it was also reprinted in the National Post). “As consumers suddenly cut back spending on everything from cars to clothing to cold cuts, companies are reducing their ad budgets or shifting to lower-cost alternatives like e-mail marketing and public relations.”
Maybe that’s the only good news we will receive this week. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: ad agency layoffs, Downturn, PR, recession, Writing