Calling out XM Canada, an old client at the Wilcox Group and something I subscribe to, for bad writing is painful but this is too good (bad) to pass up. I am indebted to my Humber College class for pointing it out—the individual herself will remain nameless to protect her later job prospects but thanks just the same. We review good and bad writing as a way of trying to articulate how it works or not. It was very clear to her that this did not adhere to what we learn as best practices. Here’s the story:

XM Canada Kicks Off Search for The Ultimate Soccer Party Guest with Online Video Challenge

Best Seats in the House Up for Grabs for 2010 FIFA World Cup Final Game at Wayne Gretzky’s Restaurant in Toronto

TORONTO, June 25 /CNW/ – There is no bigger event in sports than the FIFA World Cup(TM) and no better destination for sports fans than XM Canada(TM), the country’s leading audio entertainment company. In celebration of its in-depth sports coverage, from MLB(R) and The PGA TOUR(R) to the final 10 playoff matches of the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa, XM today kicked-off The Ultimate Soccer Party Guest Challenge in search of the best party guest in Canada. The lucky winner will celebrate the 2010 FIFA World Cup Final in front-row style with 24 friends at Wayne Gretzky’s Restaurant in Toronto on July 11th.

Note how many questions this writing raises:

1. There is no bigger event in sports than the FIFA World Cup(TM) Is that news? While it’s true now is it intrinsically reality at all times? Why begin with it; is it something editors need to be informed about while it’s happening? Why the TM? Not necessary in a news release, which isn’t advertising or marketing copy and never ever used in media. Just annoys editors who have to take it out.
2. And no better destination for sports fans (TM) than XM Canada, the country’s leading audio entertainment company. Another useless TM with more wasted commercial message.Where’s the news? Aren’t news releases supposed to start with the story? Are we reading an ad here?
3. In celebration of its in-depth sports coverage, from MLB(R) and The PGA TOUR(R) to the final 10 playoff matches of the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa…Still wondering what the story is and why we need to know about and celebrate MLB and PGA (in unnecessary caps, no less, and the two R marks, ever seen those in the news)? This is not inverted pyramid style, following news values, it’s the pyramid right side up.
4. XM today kicked-off The Ultimate Soccer Party Guest Challenge in search of the best party guest in Canada. The lucky winner will celebrate the 2010 FIFA World Cup Final in front-row style with 24 friends at Wayne Gretzky’s Restaurant Finally…some news! In the fifth line of the story. Not the biggest story in the world but certainly more useful to editors than ‘celebrating in-depth sports coverage.’

After considering writing various company leaders about this release, the class urged me contact the author directly to avoid creating difficulty for her and we said:

“Today in our PR writing class at Humber College, we were looking at examples of different types of PR writing and we came across your release for XM Canada and the best party guest competition. 

We were puzzled by your lead and second paragraph; it struck us that it buried the news and we were also wondering about the usage of TM in a news release when it is never published in media. 

Also the sentences appear to be lengthy as well as there were many company acronyms mentioned. 

Could you tell us for PR educational purposes what was your thought processes concerning this news release? Is there a specific format to be followed? What is the rationale for this style?”

She responded promptly with a certain candour:

“Thanks for your note.  I agree with your points about what typically are good approaches for releases. As I am sure you can understand, unfortunately, we can’t give you and your class much more context on how this specific release was developed due to standard confidentiality about client projects and processes.

I’d be more than happy to share our general point-of-view of writing for the media and social media.”

We will be inviting her soon….

Tags: Blogs, Editing, good writing, News Releases, Public Relations, social media, Twitter, Writing

The Wilcox Group’s closing hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I had put my heart into the place, as VP–Investor Communications on such accounts as Kinross Gold and daring entrepreneur John Bitove’s the XM Radio IPO and his other companies Priszm Income Fund (KFC, Taco Bell) and Scott’s REIT. Mat Wilcox, founder and CEO, is one of the greatest talents in the PR business. If she had been in New York instead of Vancouver, she would have had 400 people in her employ instead of the 30 or so there were at WG’s peak, when there were offices in BC and Toronto.

Wilcox was Mat and Mat was Wilcox. The firm was inseparable from her shadow; there was a heavy component of micromanagement, which kept some clients happy and often alienated and disturbed professionals who believed they should be accorded more space and intellectual liberty. It was her firm though and she built it from the ground up. Who am I to say how she should run it? (Although I did, mistakenly).

Mat had had some serious health problems, well documented in a highly revealing account when she was named one of the  country’s 100 most influential women. It broke her heart to close the Toronto office, which she dutifully visited every other week, flying cross country, a daunting schedule for anyone, especially a person who arose at 4 am almost daily–even after her dual cancer treatments.

One of the most telling comments in Wilcox’s valedictory was her thoughts about social media. Expressing her unbridled enthusiasm for the communications revolution of our time, she also noted that “the financial model” for it does not exist–meaning the energy and time required to develop an online brand, either personally or in a corporate sense has not found its proper financial reward.

It’s always sad when an organization one has known and loved is no more. LA PR guru Martin Cooper expressed this well when Harshe-Rotman & Druck, Inc collapsed in the arms of Ruder Finn. Mat Wilcox was one of a kind and so was her firm, with its crisis communications “War Room,” total devotion to clients, brutal honesty — even about Matt’s illness. Although Mat herself will carry on, a plus for the PR world, the firm is gone, and that is a definite minus.

Tags: Blogs, Editing, good writing, Public Relations, social media

by Richard Rotman

Professor of Public Relations, Humber College

PR Writer Extraordinaire

Part I

It arrived from China as scheduled but not on time. I had been tracking its journey from Shenzen to Anchorage, Alaska. It then flew to the FedEx hub in Memphis and on to Mississagua, ON, where it arrived at my home office at 2:00 pm. Sheldon, the FedEx delivery guy, said his station delivered 500 iPads and that he personally was responsible for 30.  Sheldon added that often no one is home when he must obtain signatures. I asked if he knew what he was delivering and he said, “Yes, I do and everyone is home today.” Immediately sent my kids a photo of it out of the box.

Is it the future of computing?

As was once said about Bruce Springsteen and the future of rock ‘n’ roll, I have seen the dawn of something new in computing and it’s called iPad. I agree with The Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg that the touch entry could take over the mouse, which has dominated computing since the Mac’s intro in 1984.

Why do I have one? Because I had the very first Mac the first week it came out and two Apple Newtons, the first ever PDA? Partially but I believe that this venture will ultimately mean more.

I spent much of the first and second days exploring and opening my eyes to how it works.

General observations:

1. It is as good as the hype: seeing the high-resolution photos and fast processor at work is remarkable.
2. Some things are so amazing they are freakish: turning the pages in the Apple library and seeing how they wrinkle and can be partially turned is almost too dazzling. It comes with a copy of Winnie the Pooh, one of my old favorites; it almost makes me want to read it again.
3. The Kindle app from Amazon simply moves the pages forward with a finger. I downloaded a chapter from Tom Rachman’s The Imperfectionists, a journalism novel, and read it in bed at night. I wanted to read the third book in the Dragon Tattoo series but Amazon said it wasn’t available in Canada. Boo!

Apart from participating in the technology, my main purpose in getting an iPad was two-fold: read media online and eliminate paper; read books and reduce paper. On both those counts, it does appear to work as promised. As I cancelled my newspaper subscriptions, this is important.

App review:

• New York Times: great but not enough stories; still need the online version. No doubt I will be paying for the iPad version soon.
• Globe and Mail: Haven’t worked out the paid app but the one for Blackberry/iPhone is a masterpiece and it works on the iPad.
• Guardian Eyewitness (all photos) and BBC, both wonderful.
• Best app so far: Instapaper: This killer app repurposes web articles by eliminating ads, graphics and links and then turning the entire article into a news story with a headline and saving it for later reference.

Part II: people’s reactions, Apple’s Pages and Notepad.

Tags: Blogs, Editing, good writing, iPad, Public Relations, social media, Writing

October 9, 2009

by Richard E. Rotman –PR Writer Extraordinaire

All one has to do to find notable examples of poor news release writing is go to Canada Newsire on any day. Organizations pay good money to release this news but they don’t bother to. Here are originals and suggested corrections: why do these organizations bother?

I. Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. Appoints President – Ms Varsha Bhat

or:

Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. Appoints Varsha Bhat President

PRW Comment:

• Don’t need the Ms.
• More active to put her name first

Released version: MONTREAL, Oct. 9 /CNW Telbec/ – Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. – a Montreal based technology firm providing document output products and solutions – continues to ‘wow’ the local community with its recent new appointment. Xpertdoc welcomes Ms Varsha Bhat as the incoming President, effective immediately.

PRW Revision: MONTREAL, Oct. 9 /CNW Telbec/ – Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. – a Montreal-based technology firm providing document output products and solutions ‘wowed’ the industry by apppointing Varsha Bhat as its President.

Comments:

• Need a hyphen between Montreal and based
• If you must use the ‘wow’ idea, who is being wowed? Why the local community—isn’t the industry more important?
• ‘Continues to’ is one of those clauses that almost always be eliminated. Previous examples of ‘wow’ can be expressed in subsequent comments.
• ‘Recent new’ appointment is redundant and unnecessary. The announcement implies ‘new.’ The only way the qualifier would be relevant and ‘effective immediately’ is if the appointment took place in the future.
• Using Mr or Ms is not CP style. If saying that Bhat is female is important, isn’t there a stronger way to underscore it, such as she is the ‘industry’s first female’ or something like that.
• In the rest of the release, the CEO is ‘proud to announce’ the appointment, while an advisory board member is also ‘pleased’ as is an investor who is quoted, repeating the word. “Ms” is also repeated four times and her first and last name is used in the last paragraph, where it should not be necessary.

All that in one release!

Ontario Long Term Care Companies Recognized Nationally for Leadership and Excellence

Original: MARKHAM, ON, Oct. 9 /CNW/ – The Ontario Long Term Care Association (OLTCA) is delighted to congratulate two of its members on being nationally recognized for the levels of excellence they have achieved in developing quality relationships and processes within their organizations.

PRW: MARKHAM, ON, Oct. 9 /CNW/ – Two Ontario Long Term Care Association (OLTCA) members have been being nationally recognized for excellence in developing quality relationships and processes within their organizations as a result of the Mediacorp Canada Inc annual competition.

OMNI Health Care Ltd. was named one of Canada’s Top 100 Employers for 2010 and in September, Diversicare Canada received the National Quality Institute’s Order of Excellence Award for continuous excellence in quality.

Comments:

• Combines two sentences into one
• Avoids passive voice
• Gets rid of the “delighted to congratulate” idea, which is not news.

Original: “We applaud the owners, management and staff at OMNI Health Care and Diversicare Canada for their leadership and commitment to excellence that resulted in this distinguished recognition,” said Christina Bisanz, OLTCA CEO. “It reflects a desire I see across our membership to be the best that they can be for the benefit of the residents they serve.”

PRW: “We applaud everyone OMNI Health Care and Diversicare Canada for leadership and commitment to excellence resulting in this distinguished recognition,” said Christina Bisanz, OLTCA CEO.  “Our members seek to be the best service providers possible for their residents.”

Comments:

• So many superfluous words. “We applaud…is delighted to congratulate.”
• “It reflects a desire I see—“ can be totally eliminated.
• “For the benefit of the residents they serve?” Or: “the best service providers for their residents.”
• This is a poor excuse for a news release anyway—no news, flabby language, no chance it would mean anything to an editor.

Just incredible–I never understand why they bother, when the writing is so substandard. Until next time…

Tags: Blogs, Editing, good writing, Public Relations, Rhetoric, tips to better writing, Writing

Thinking about launching a social media campaign for your business?

Prepared with the assistance of Humber PR grad student Heather Smith…

As the ever changing landscape of public relations continues to evolve, social media has become a central focus. From blogs to Twitter to Facebook, social media is being used like never before. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Blogs, Facebook, social media, Twitter

Democratic Convention Opens Tonight!
Win or lose come November, Sen. Barack Obama has forever changed America’s political landscape Campaigning will never be the same as the rules are being rewritten daily. Courting notoriously apathetic youth voters is no easy task but the Democratic nominee strategically employed social networking (Facebook, Twitter, MyBo), online videos (YouTube), email campaigns and text messaging (GOBAMA!!! LOL) to create hype and perpetuate “cool.” These tactics now being ramped up even more to best the surprisingly potent Sen. John McCain.

New-age tools have also been the backbone to his immensely successful grassroots fundraising drive. Altering a page from Karl Rove’s playbook, Obama’s team has assembled two disparate masses: the party faithful and the black vote. One hundred dollars at a time, his new communications tactics appear to be weaving a less corporate, more cohesive political web. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Blogs, Obama, PR, Web 2.0