Calling out XM Canada, an old client at the Wilcox Group and something I subscribe to, for bad writing is painful but this is too good (bad) to pass up. I am indebted to my Humber College class for pointing it out—the individual herself will remain nameless to protect her later job prospects but thanks just the same. We review good and bad writing as a way of trying to articulate how it works or not. It was very clear to her that this did not adhere to what we learn as best practices. Here’s the story:

XM Canada Kicks Off Search for The Ultimate Soccer Party Guest with Online Video Challenge

Best Seats in the House Up for Grabs for 2010 FIFA World Cup Final Game at Wayne Gretzky’s Restaurant in Toronto

TORONTO, June 25 /CNW/ – There is no bigger event in sports than the FIFA World Cup(TM) and no better destination for sports fans than XM Canada(TM), the country’s leading audio entertainment company. In celebration of its in-depth sports coverage, from MLB(R) and The PGA TOUR(R) to the final 10 playoff matches of the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa, XM today kicked-off The Ultimate Soccer Party Guest Challenge in search of the best party guest in Canada. The lucky winner will celebrate the 2010 FIFA World Cup Final in front-row style with 24 friends at Wayne Gretzky’s Restaurant in Toronto on July 11th.

Note how many questions this writing raises:

1. There is no bigger event in sports than the FIFA World Cup(TM) Is that news? While it’s true now is it intrinsically reality at all times? Why begin with it; is it something editors need to be informed about while it’s happening? Why the TM? Not necessary in a news release, which isn’t advertising or marketing copy and never ever used in media. Just annoys editors who have to take it out.
2. And no better destination for sports fans (TM) than XM Canada, the country’s leading audio entertainment company. Another useless TM with more wasted commercial message.Where’s the news? Aren’t news releases supposed to start with the story? Are we reading an ad here?
3. In celebration of its in-depth sports coverage, from MLB(R) and The PGA TOUR(R) to the final 10 playoff matches of the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa…Still wondering what the story is and why we need to know about and celebrate MLB and PGA (in unnecessary caps, no less, and the two R marks, ever seen those in the news)? This is not inverted pyramid style, following news values, it’s the pyramid right side up.
4. XM today kicked-off The Ultimate Soccer Party Guest Challenge in search of the best party guest in Canada. The lucky winner will celebrate the 2010 FIFA World Cup Final in front-row style with 24 friends at Wayne Gretzky’s Restaurant Finally…some news! In the fifth line of the story. Not the biggest story in the world but certainly more useful to editors than ‘celebrating in-depth sports coverage.’

After considering writing various company leaders about this release, the class urged me contact the author directly to avoid creating difficulty for her and we said:

“Today in our PR writing class at Humber College, we were looking at examples of different types of PR writing and we came across your release for XM Canada and the best party guest competition. 

We were puzzled by your lead and second paragraph; it struck us that it buried the news and we were also wondering about the usage of TM in a news release when it is never published in media. 

Also the sentences appear to be lengthy as well as there were many company acronyms mentioned. 

Could you tell us for PR educational purposes what was your thought processes concerning this news release? Is there a specific format to be followed? What is the rationale for this style?”

She responded promptly with a certain candour:

“Thanks for your note.  I agree with your points about what typically are good approaches for releases. As I am sure you can understand, unfortunately, we can’t give you and your class much more context on how this specific release was developed due to standard confidentiality about client projects and processes.

I’d be more than happy to share our general point-of-view of writing for the media and social media.”

We will be inviting her soon….

Tags: Blogs, Editing, good writing, News Releases, Public Relations, social media, Twitter, Writing

SOCIAL MEDIA IS HERE TO STAY

News flash: communications will never be the same. The social media revolution has altered the landscape of public relations. It is not apparent to most practitioners yet but it has happened. My students at Humber College know it and they are eager to embrace it if someone could just explain it to them. It is more than Facebook, MySpace,YouTube and Linked in. It is a way of thinking that changes the entire model of communications as it’s been practiced perhaps since Ivy Lee and Edward Bernays launched public relations as a means of communications during and after World War I. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: News Releases, Public Relations, social media