by Richard E. Rotman –PR Writer Extraordinaire

All one has to do to find notable examples of poor news release writing is go to Canada Newsire on any day. Organizations pay good money to release this news but they don’t bother to. Here are originals and suggested corrections: why do these organizations bother?

I. Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. Appoints President – Ms Varsha Bhat

or:

Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. Appoints Varsha Bhat President

PRW Comment:

• Don’t need the Ms.
• More active to put her name first

Released version: MONTREAL, Oct. 9 /CNW Telbec/ – Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. – a Montreal based technology firm providing document output products and solutions – continues to ‘wow’ the local community with its recent new appointment. Xpertdoc welcomes Ms Varsha Bhat as the incoming President, effective immediately.

PRW Revision: MONTREAL, Oct. 9 /CNW Telbec/ – Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. – a Montreal-based technology firm providing document output products and solutions ‘wowed’ the industry by apppointing Varsha Bhat as its President.

Comments:

• Need a hyphen between Montreal and based
• If you must use the ‘wow’ idea, who is being wowed? Why the local community—isn’t the industry more important?
• ‘Continues to’ is one of those clauses that almost always be eliminated. Previous examples of ‘wow’ can be expressed in subsequent comments.
• ‘Recent new’ appointment is redundant and unnecessary. The announcement implies ‘new.’ The only way the qualifier would be relevant and ‘effective immediately’ is if the appointment took place in the future.
• Using Mr or Ms is not CP style. If saying that Bhat is female is important, isn’t there a stronger way to underscore it, such as she is the ‘industry’s first female’ or something like that.
• In the rest of the release, the CEO is ‘proud to announce’ the appointment, while an advisory board member is also ‘pleased’ as is an investor who is quoted, repeating the word. “Ms” is also repeated four times and her first and last name is used in the last paragraph, where it should not be necessary.

All that in one release!

Ontario Long Term Care Companies Recognized Nationally for Leadership and Excellence

Original: MARKHAM, ON, Oct. 9 /CNW/ – The Ontario Long Term Care Association (OLTCA) is delighted to congratulate two of its members on being nationally recognized for the levels of excellence they have achieved in developing quality relationships and processes within their organizations.

PRW: MARKHAM, ON, Oct. 9 /CNW/ – Two Ontario Long Term Care Association (OLTCA) members have been being nationally recognized for excellence in developing quality relationships and processes within their organizations as a result of the Mediacorp Canada Inc annual competition.

OMNI Health Care Ltd. was named one of Canada’s Top 100 Employers for 2010 and in September, Diversicare Canada received the National Quality Institute’s Order of Excellence Award for continuous excellence in quality.

Comments:

• Combines two sentences into one
• Avoids passive voice
• Gets rid of the “delighted to congratulate” idea, which is not news.

Original: “We applaud the owners, management and staff at OMNI Health Care and Diversicare Canada for their leadership and commitment to excellence that resulted in this distinguished recognition,” said Christina Bisanz, OLTCA CEO. “It reflects a desire I see across our membership to be the best that they can be for the benefit of the residents they serve.”

PRW: “We applaud everyone OMNI Health Care and Diversicare Canada for leadership and commitment to excellence resulting in this distinguished recognition,” said Christina Bisanz, OLTCA CEO.  “Our members seek to be the best service providers possible for their residents.”

Comments:

• So many superfluous words. “We applaud…is delighted to congratulate.”
• “It reflects a desire I see—“ can be totally eliminated.
• “For the benefit of the residents they serve?” Or: “the best service providers for their residents.”
• This is a poor excuse for a news release anyway—no news, flabby language, no chance it would mean anything to an editor.

Just incredible–I never understand why they bother, when the writing is so substandard. Until next time…

11. It’s and its.

In the PR Writer blog about poor writing on the Newswire, this mistake was covered extensively. Because of the ease of making a typo rather than a grammatical error, this error appears a great deal. The rule is quite simple: its is the possessive, it’s is a contraction. While contractions are not always recommended in formal writing, they have their place, in dialogue and less rigorous formats:
“It’s a dog. It was its first bath.”

12. Over vs. more than.

This is another one of those formulations that would be perfectly acceptable in everyday speech but in writing should be used correctly. “Therewere more than 20 people in the room” is correct. “There were over 20 people in the room” is not. Over means above something: more than is the comparative and is preferred.

13. Compounds with adverbs that don’t end in “ly.”

Don’t use hyphens to form compounds with these words. They may look like adjectives but are actually adverbs and hence stand alone in a sentence. These include:

• Hard
• Fast
• Little
• Well
• Late
• Very
• Almost
• Quite
• Just
• Too

Hard-fought, fast-paced, little-known, well-prepared are technically incorrect even if the spelling and grammar check in Microsoft Word does not identify them as such.

14. Vary sentence structure.

Too many sentences follow the same format. Noun verb object.They have clauses that could be turned around.  In this sentence, recently drafted for a client, the structure could be:

As long as housing prices were jumping higher almost by the hour, subprime mortgage holders pretty much managed their monthly payments.

Or

Subprime mortgage holders pretty much managed their monthly payments as long as housing prices were jumping higher almost by the hour.

Neither is more correct. It just demonstrates the language’s flexibility in that the sentence could be written either way to vary the reader’s perception. Another way to accomplish this is to split sentences into smaller ones and then follow those by a longer phrase.

15. Avoid repeating words.

This is easy. Comb through your sentences and check whether you’ve repeated the same word. Microsoft Word will pick up two words repeated next to each other but not separated but repeated words. In the heat of composition, we often fall into deploying the same words. Make sure you don’t.

16. Who and Whom

These words separate the amateurs from the pros.

In speech, ‘whom’ almost sounds pedantic.  In writing, incorrect usage is out of place. Simple definition: who is a subject, whom is an object. It’s somewhat like “between you and I” in speech, and between you and me in writing. Whom is used following words like to and for—to whom, for whom (the bell tolls). Him or her also substitutes for it not he and she. Example “Whom will you invite?”(Will you invite him?)

17. Whose and Who’s – a possessive pronoun vs. a contraction.

Here we have a clear distinction that is also often messed up. There was a prize-winning play a few years ago called “Whose Life Is This Anyway.” That was correct. “Who’s here?” That’s also correct.

18. Break it up.

Split up paragraphs.

Use bullet points.

Vary the length of paragraphs.

19. Affect and effect

Affect: cause

Effect: result

Think of that and you won’t go wrong.

Also affect is a verb and effect is a noun.

“The net effect was to affect me.”

20. Able to and can

This falls under the category of eliminating unnecessary verbiage. Many sentences read something similar to:

He is able to come tomorrow.

Why not:

He can come tomorrow.

Or: I am going to come tomorrow vs. I am coming tomorrow.

Barring learning all of this, call in an editor—there’s areally good one at rrotman@prwriterextraordinaire.com